Monday, October 25, 2010

The slut within?

I know this is a blog about not dating, so you’d think I’d have all the time in the world to blog about my exciting evenings at home wrapped in my Snuggie. But ladies, Mr.Right is not going to magically appear in my living room, come on! Although that would be awesome! And if he were wearing a matching Snuggie, even better! So, I get out Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, on good hair and good face weeks :) 
(This is my excuse for not having blogged in a week, and I’m sticking to it)
Last week, my friend discovered this site called which lists each day all events happening in and around Montreal, and which led us to the Hotel Place D’Armes 10th year anniversary last Wednesday. So (let’s call her Pollie) Pollie and I head on over to the event, and Oh.My.Lord were we delighted! Free booze, free oyster bar, free cheese buffet, and foie gras popcorn!!! Oh yeah, did I mention the room was filled with men? And foie gras popcorn?! Needless to say, we left the party full and drunk. 
As I made my way from one buffet to another, my friend Pollie was approached by one man, oggled by another, and another. I managed to introduce myself between bites to the ones that approached her, but come on, how often do you get to indulge in a free cheese buffet? With nut bread!     
There are some women that dont even have to try, men will flock to them. While I gotta pull out all the skills to be charming and witty to keep a man’s attention (oh wonderful - I’m one of those with a “great personality”...), all Pollie has to do is look at a guy and he makes his way over. What scent does the emanate? Eau de confidence? Or Eau de RWARR? 
And here comes her polar opposite, me. Cute face, nice cleave, junk in the trunk, and cannot approach a guy for the life of me. Definetely not a go-getter in that department.  
The next day, I get an e-mail from Pollie. Something along the lines of “You don’t realize your full potential, it’s all in the confidence, bla bla bla, I need to teach you a thing or two, please let me, please please let me,” or so I read between the lines. 
Part of me, realizing that I could use the help, I agreed to have her tell me what I’m doing wrong, and maybe her smell will rub off me. Also, it’ll give me something to blog about! Yes, investigative blogging! Who are we kidding, I need the help...
I am a little afraid that she’ll unleash the slut within, she keeps telling me to bring out the  “ladies”...Although I wouldn’t mind being, just once in a while, instead of the girl with the “great personality”, the girl with the “great rack”.  

If all else fails, and I’m still on the prowl way into my cougar years, at least I’ll be warm and cuddly :) 

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It's all in the cards.

Saturday night, my girlfriends and I went to this restaurant popular for its Dinner/Tarot reading formula called Bella Stella in L’Assomption. During dinner, you retreat to a quiet room for a 15 min. Tarot card reading with the restaurant owner... 
Needless to say, the place was filled with women, except for one shy, real cute and too-young waiter who couldn’t look any of us in the eye. One more estrogen-filled evening for moi.... 
At best, the food was okay. The card reading add-on is definitely a crowd pleaser, however, or else how do you explain that you have to book at least 3 months prior to get a reservation - to eat mediocre food...? Maybe, it’s the waiter... 
Plus, I’m not sure how reliable this card reader’s skills are, but overall entertainment factor was definitely high - partly due to her flagrant inconsistencies. This was my second visit, third for my friends, and to my delight, somehow, somewhere, my so-called destiny went from a grim outlook to a happy one. I bet it’s my fenshui re-decorating! I have to admit, I wanted to go back to get a different future. I just didn’t like the one I bought last time.... 
First time, she said: I will have an abortion, one child if any, a boy, I will meet a man sometime in the future, I will have a new job. 
Oh.My.Lord! So much to look forward to...That card reading proved to be the BEST contraceptive EVER! Although, I was kinda hoping that I’d at least have sex with this man I’m supposedly destined to meet, and hopefully he’s not just some guy that winks at me at the video store on his way to the adult section.  
This time: I will have twin boys, a large sum of money is coming my way and I won’t have to work for it (sweet!!), I will get married 100% guaranteed (GUARANTEED!!!! Her words.....) and I’m meeting the “One”, Capital “O” before next May. 
I left the restaurant a satisfied customer :) Overall, I recommend the place for a fun time, but keep your expectations in check. 
Now, if you are single and in your thirties, you may not publicly admit it, but you are more likely to: 

  • Read your horoscope everyday
  • Buy horoscope books, and read other crap like “The Secret”
  • See Tarot card readers, fortune tellers, and other crazies in the same category 
  • Maybe own a Snuggy
And why do we do it? Because it makes us feel better and less accountable for our own future if we believe that our destiny/fate is not completely in our own hands. That, and we search for that glimmer of hope that we will not die alone. 
Here’s a short list of things I’ve heard over and over again, from friends in happy relationships, of course. I know they mean well, and I love them for it, but I will also hurl in their face the next time they utter such nonsense. 

  • It’s when you least expect it
  • You gotta BELIEVE!!!!!! 
  • Ask the Universe
  • You will meet someone soon, and when you do, he’ll be the greatest guy ever. I know it, cause you deserve it!
As I remain skeptical to what Mrs Fortune Teller/Restauranteur tells me, I am not sure the Universe is freakin’ listening either! So, I ask you: Do you believe in the “One”, with a Capital “O”? And is it enough to believe that eventually you will meet him?

Japanese Anime Tarot Cards!
Even adolescent ninja boys need guidance sometimes...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Me happy :)

It’s Sunday night and I’m exhausted from an insanely busy weekend, but I am taking the time to blog cause, as they say in good ol’Québécois, “J’ai pogné la piqure!” 
I had a very happy ending indeed to my 4-day juice detox, courtesy of my friend and wonderful hostess Solmaz. What can a starving girl ask for other than a fully stacked martini bar (we’re talking four different kinds of vodka) and 96 decadent cheesecake cupcakes?! Maybe a new wardrobe, a size larger, but that’s about it. 
I asked my friend Liv to take cute pictures of me while nibbling on the cupcakes. I was planning on posting them with this blog entry, looking all fabulous. But who are we kidding, I couldn’t open my mouth wide enough! (Pervie, keep your comments to yourself.) Hence, no pictures.
You can see a cute pic of me though (well, I think it’s a cute pic), as well as the heavenly bar on my friend’s blog. ( I’m carrying a Rockaberries cheese cake. Yes, I had anticipated my foaming at the mouth, so I just wanted to make sure the other guests would have something to eat. 

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Super Gallbladder Helper, Yummy!

Since this is a blog about not dating, and I am in fact not dating, I will talk about the 4-day detox juice diet I’m currently following! Exciting, isn’t it? 
This is Day 3 of my 4-day detox juice diet, and I’m dying, DYING, to chew on something! Anything! (Pervie, no dirty thoughts. You know who you are.)
Now, the detox/cleansing diet has its advantage, or else why would Beyonce, Britney and many other starlets do them? But contrary to most people’s assumptions, I’m not doing it to lose weight, but really to cleanse my body of all toxins. I’ve been feeling bloated, tired and just BLAH. And my eating habits haven’t been the most stellar recently. 
I smoke, I cannot function without caffeine, I love to eat out, and I probably drink more than should. I have a love affair with food, a nice juicy steak, mmmmm, foie gras, duck confit, and cheese, oh god cheese! Add to that, red wine, and a couple of dirty martinis, I think I’m due for a thorough spring cleaning. And I wanted to do it the natural way, no supplements, powders, diuretics, etc. Just good ol’healthy produce!  
So, I did some research online and ended up buying the book “DETOX for the rest of us”, by Carole Jacobs, former nutrition editor at Shape Magazine. (Hmmm.....former...) Safe and easy plans to cleanse your body, boost your metabolism, lose weight and feel great! SOLD! So far, the book seems pretty good. It offers quite a wide range of options, includes recipes, and a short description of the cleansing benefits for each recipe. 
I flipped to the table of contents, and picked the shortest cleanse available. Shit, it’s a juice only cleanse... Ok, Ok, 4 days, not that bad.  
So, Monday morning, I went grocery shopping and bought all my fruits and vegetables, I was really pumped. And I am glad to say, I haven’t cheated yet....yet. Well, I kinda cheated, but in my opinion it doesn’t count. When I make the juices, I save some of the pureed fruits in a Tupperware for desperate times. (Yes, in 4 days, they do occur.)  And I don’t consider this cheating due to the fact that, last night, I sat in front of two girlfriends while they were scoffing down McD’s and did not even steel one fry! Although I wanted to lick the damn quarter pounder box.  
Tonight was a delight! Four cups of Super Gallbladder Helper, chilled. Yummy!  
Ingredients: one cup of spinach, one cucumber, 3 celery branches, with leaves, half a cup of italian parsley, and half an inch piece of ginger root. Except that I didn’t properly read the recipe, and ended up putting half of an entire ginger root. It was sooooooo freakin’ spicy! And so freakin’ green!  
Plus, it seems that the juices are getting grosser and grosser, or is it just me that can’t wait for the end of it? 
One more day, one more day. I’m going to a Martini cheesecake party on Friday. Some need a carrot on a stick, I need martinis and cheesecake. 

Super Gallbladder Helper
(Yes, I own a Snuggy and a Magic Bullet. I love "As seen on TV"...)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Ed Hardy Snuggies anyone?

Missed call no. 4 this month: 
“Hi Sonia, it’s me Jerk Off. (HI JERK OFF!) I was just calling to see what’s up (I’M STILL SINGLE AND I HATE YOUR GUTS), we haven’t spoken in a while.  (AND YET, YOU KEEP CALLING. TAKE A HINT.) Gimme a call when you get a chance.” 
So call me a hypocrite, but today’s his birthday, and I called him back. I am incapable of being a bitch, not on someone’s birthday. Luckily, I got the voicemail.
“Hi Jerk Off, Just called to wish you a Happy Birthday and to tell you that I hate your guts. Hope you’re having a wonderful day.” 
“Hi Jerk Off, Happy Birthday, I hate your guts.”
“Hi Jerk Off, I hate your guts.”
But I went with: “Hi Jerk Off, just called to wish you a Happy Birthday, sorry for not returning your calls, hope all is good with you.” 
Now, here’s the thing - I’ve earned this reputation of never picking up calls, not returning them either, because my cell’s either at the bottom of my purse, I forgot to charge it, or it’s on vibrate and somewhere in the house, I forgot it at work, in the car, in the bathroom, bla bla...Yes, I admit I am a terrible, terrible friend when it comes to calling people back. I’m really sorry, and I mean it. I just don’t like the phone. 
Today, however, I’m reaping the benefits! I can calmly ignore calls, not call back when I don’t feel like it, and no one gets hurt! How wonderful!  
The trick is to not discriminate - you gotta miss everyone’s calls, not just a certain person or two, so people don’t get suspicious or take it personally. I mistreat everyone equally. And when you do wanna ignore that one person, it’s awesome!
Except, I’m starting to realize that in some instances, it’s back firing on me. Take the case of Jerk Off, for example. When I want him to get the hint, he doesn’t.   
Oooohhhh, I made a wonderful discovery today, guess who’s a fellow Snuggee? 

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Me and My Snuggie, gettin’ all ready, gettin’ all ready for fun!!

Yay!!! My first blog post!, Me and My Snuggy. We cuddle, it doesn’t care how much trashy TV or junk food I indulge in. We have a wonderful relationship, it completes me. 
So, the name for my blog came to me while watching a Barney and Friends video for the billionth time (I have 3 nieces and a nephew all under 6), and the kids sing this song about a teddy bear and how it’s their best friend in the whole wide world. Kinda like me and my Snuggy.  (Me and my Teddy - . Skip to 2:15m). 
My friend inspired me to start this blog (because she’s a great blogger herself), one night over great food and wine at Kitchen Gallery Poison (or was it L’Orignal?). We were talking about how I’ve been single for almost a year (it’s now been over a year, I’ve been thinking about this blog for a while...) and I wasn’t remotely ready to get back on the dating scene. And while there are so many dating blogs out there, and some really good ones, I had the idea of talking about my non-dating experiences and how that’s working for me in my search for a man...Kinda like “Don’t do as I do”, and hopefully I can learn from my own mistakes (about time!), or at least make people feel better as they realize they’re not as bad as some other women....
So here it is. I’m starting from the very beginning. 
I was dating a guy for 6 years, and finally had the courage to end it, despite enormous fears of dying alone. I figured that in my last moments, I’d rather be in peace than with someone that gets on my fucking nerves. I was petrified of being the “bad guy”, I didn’t wanna deal with his pain, I was waiting for him to break up with me. But, I got tired of waiting, so I did it. 
He agreed with me that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere. And, I was PISSED!!! It was NOT ok for him to be ok with the breakup.  At that moment, I wanted him to scream and bang shit, and certainly not sit there and hug me and tell me he understood why I was doing it. So, we decided to stay friends. We actually saw each other a couple of times since the break up, I had the pleasure of meeting his new girlfriend, Yay....
He calls me once a while to catch up.  But, the anger came pouring out a couple of months ago, and the tears too, when I realized I should probably get back on the dating scene, and that I still wasn’t AT ALL ready.  
And the finger pointing began. I blamed him for all the shit he put me through over six years. I blamed my friends for facilitating our getting back together after our first break-up. I blamed myself for having wasted so much time in a dead-en relationship and let him get away with what should have been deal breakers. So, I took a dating hiatus, still in progress today. 
Now, he calls and I ignore him. And he calls back, and back again. I have to break up with him all over again, and tell him I don’t want to be his friend. 
But, BUT! As of right now, right this minute, I’m putting all that stuff behind me.  
We have fun times ahead, me and my Snuggy :)