Missed call no. 4 this month:
“Hi Sonia, it’s me Jerk Off. (HI JERK OFF!) I was just calling to see what’s up (I’M STILL SINGLE AND I HATE YOUR GUTS), we haven’t spoken in a while. (AND YET, YOU KEEP CALLING. TAKE A HINT.) Gimme a call when you get a chance.”
So call me a hypocrite, but today’s his birthday, and I called him back. I am incapable of being a bitch, not on someone’s birthday. Luckily, I got the voicemail.
“Hi Jerk Off, Just called to wish you a Happy Birthday and to tell you that I hate your guts. Hope you’re having a wonderful day.”
“Hi Jerk Off, Happy Birthday, I hate your guts.”
“Hi Jerk Off, I hate your guts.”
But I went with: “Hi Jerk Off, just called to wish you a Happy Birthday, sorry for not returning your calls, hope all is good with you.”
Now, here’s the thing - I’ve earned this reputation of never picking up calls, not returning them either, because my cell’s either at the bottom of my purse, I forgot to charge it, or it’s on vibrate and somewhere in the house, I forgot it at work, in the car, in the bathroom, bla bla...Yes, I admit I am a terrible, terrible friend when it comes to calling people back. I’m really sorry, and I mean it. I just don’t like the phone.
Today, however, I’m reaping the benefits! I can calmly ignore calls, not call back when I don’t feel like it, and no one gets hurt! How wonderful!
The trick is to not discriminate - you gotta miss everyone’s calls, not just a certain person or two, so people don’t get suspicious or take it personally. I mistreat everyone equally. And when you do wanna ignore that one person, it’s awesome!
Except, I’m starting to realize that in some instances, it’s back firing on me. Take the case of Jerk Off, for example. When I want him to get the hint, he doesn’t.
Oooohhhh, I made a wonderful discovery today, guess who’s a fellow Snuggee?